


Coffee Fiend

by thewriterofperfectdisasters



Series: Tiny Tumblr AUs [1]
Category: Shameless (US)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Based on a Tumblr Post, F/M, M/M, omg what am i doing with my life
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-13
Updated: 2015-01-13
Packaged: 2018-03-07 10:40:37
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 908
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3171742
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thewriterofperfectdisasters/pseuds/thewriterofperfectdisasters
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>‘Oh my God,’ Ian whispered, mortified that Mickey apparently knew exactly who was to blame. Not like there were really that many <i>options</i>. Lip and Mandy probably wouldn’t notice if Ian started waving his dick in their faces (not that he ever <i>would</i>, of course), let alone be able to break off from each other for long enough to dump salt in Mickey’s coffee.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Coffee Fiend

**Author's Note:**

> based off a bullerpoint on [this list](http://im-not-his-keeper.tumblr.com/post/107394992698/some-aus/)
> 
> • I put salt in your coffee when you were in the bathroom and you drank it all and that was hardcore want to go out sometime au

Ian could hardly believe he had been guilt tripped into being “ _the friend who comes along on the first date to break the ice”_. Apparently the other guy who had also been brought along as _that_ person was feeling as awkward as he was. Yet, here they both were. Watching their siblings make out with each other in the corner of the booth at the diner Lip had chosen.

His new girlfriend (make out/fuck buddy?), Mandy, had brought along this dude as her person, and introduced him as “My shithead brother, Mickey.” Which meant that he at least had a name, and Ian didn’t have to think of him as “ _the other third wheeling dude_ ”.

He was probably feeling even more awkward than Ian was, because he was sitting directly opposite Lip and Mandy, and had to watch his sister have her mouth attacked, and her skirt invaded by Lip’s unapologetic, wandering hand.

‘Move,’ Mickey said at one point, making shooing motions at Ian to get the fuck out of the booth so he could get out. ‘Gotta piss.’

‘Probably because you’ve been drinking coffee like it’s water,’ Ian muttered, sliding across the vinyl bench and waiting for Mickey to get out, before taking his vacated spot.

Ian peered into Mickey’s coffee cup, just to avoid looking at his brother and his new, special friend dry humping, not three feet away from him.

Mickey’s coffee cup was about two thirds full, which, for some _weird_ reason, gave Ian the urge to spike it.

He dared a glance at the table to see what powdery substance he could quickly slip into the liquid. Pepper? He wasn’t that cruel. Sugar was just _stupid_ , so that left him with salt. Before he could lose his nerve, Ian grabbed the salt shaker, twisted the top off, and poured the full contents of the almost full shaker into Mickey’s cup. He stirred it quickly, hoping to God it would all dissolve.

Then he looked back at the empty shaker in his hand. ‘Oh, fuck,’ Ian murmured. ‘Fuck, fuck, fuck.’

He put the top back on, then zipped out of the booth to swap it for the salt shaker on the table behind them. Perfect execution. Mickey would never notice.

Speaking of the “shithead brother”, Ian spotted him coming back from the bathroom, and slid from the booth again, allowing Mickey to take his place again.

Mickey grimaced at his sister and Ian’s brother, and said gruffly, ‘Keep your fuckin’ skirt on, Mandy. No one needs to see that shit.’

Mandy flipped him off, and continued to make out with Lip. She did, however, pull her skirt down a bit – not that there was much skirt to actually _pull down_.

Mickey made a noise of disgust and picked up his coffee mug, and it was that exact moment that Ian regretted every single choice he had ever made, prior to emptying the salt shaker into the mug. Mickey seemed like the kind of guy who would hand out a beat down to Ian for fucking with his drink.

_Oh, fuck._ Ian watched Mickey take a sip of his coffee, and felt his heart physically stop. Either stop, or beat so fast he wasn’t feeling it.

At first, Ian thought maybe Mickey hadn’t noticed. Then Mickey’s eyes widened as the insane amount of salt in his drink registered with his tastebuds. Nevertheless, Mickey continued drinking, and finished off the mug.

Ian shrunk into the back of the booth and watched Mickey for any sign he was about to strangle him.

Mickey just turned calmly to Ian and flexed his fingers, showing off the _FUCK U-UP_ tattooed there. ‘That was interesting.’

‘Oh my God,’ Ian whispered, mortified that Mickey apparently knew exactly who was to blame. Not like there were really that many _options_. Lip and Mandy probably wouldn’t notice if Ian started waving his dick in their faces (not that he ever _would_ , of course), let alone be able to break off from each other for long enough to dump salt in Mickey’s coffee.

‘Was that fun for you, gingerbread?’ Mickey asked.

‘That was fucking hardcore,’ Ian whispered. ‘Holy shit.’

‘Uh huh.’

‘Date me,’ Ian said, before he could stop himself.

‘You what now?’ Mickey asked, raising his eyebrows so high, Ian was afraid they would fly off his face and start beating him, like aggressive, mutant caterpillars.

‘Nothing.’

‘Did you say _“Date me”_?’

Ian blinked owlishly at the guy beside him, and when he spoke, his voice was several octaves higher than usual. ‘Maybe?’

Mickey thumbed at his bottom lip and ran his eyes over Ian. ‘A’ight. Wanna go somewhere?’

‘What?’ Ian squeaked.

‘You hard of hearin’, gingerbread?’ Mickey asked, rolling his eyes. ‘Move, let’s go.’

‘Okay!’ Ian said, shaking so hard he almost flew out of his seat.

‘Right, lovebirds, don’t make any babies,’ Mickey said, flipping off the couple in their booth and throwing a couple of notes at the table as a tip for their waitress. He came up to Ian and poked him in the arm. ‘Let’s go, I ain’t sittin’ around to watch your brother impregnate my sister.’

Ian nodded and marched out the door, Mickey following closely behind.

Maybe dumping all that salt in the other third wheel’s cup had been a strangely good idea. Definitely seemed that way when a couple of hours later, they were making out as furiously as Lip and Mandy had been.

**Author's Note:**

> im so sorry omg it's nearly 2am and i wrote this in like 20 minutes im laughing so hard at myself
> 
> [hi here's my tumblr](http://im-not-his-keeper.tumblr.com/)


End file.
